Is it every other day, and twice on Sunday for you? No? Then READ this post NOW.
Sex may not possible if you are dealing with a disability. If your spouse is medically unfit to have sex, or if one of you is ill. Other times, you may have so much going on in life that sleep is more necessary than intimacy. The relationship still thrives though. It’s about meeting your spouse’s needs and sometimes those needs are not sex.
Yes, I understand all this. And so, this post focuses on able partners who are living a sex-starved marriage.
The Focus on Sex in Marriage
The focus here, is on sex within marriage. I consider sex before marriage junk food for the soul. It feels great for the time, leaves you wanting more, but eventually, feels not so great for the life ahead.
Let’s Back Up a Little
But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion ~ 1Corinthians 7:9
I was a victim of sexual abuse and a consensual partner, long before I was married. So I have always wanted to know why sex had played such a big role in my formative years. An analytical mind. Mine. I read books, articles, took up psychology as a minor and also indulged in therapy. It was only now I joined the dots to understand my promiscuity was to use sex to bolster my sexual identity. I used people the way my abusers had used me. I already felt so dirty and guilty that I told myself it didn’t matter anymore if I piled on guilt some more.
Yep, I dealt with my life’s struggles and came out of it. Who wouldn’t?
Google tips on how to keep intimacy alive in marriage. These articles will tell you to go on regular dates, or try exciting positions to keep your sex life spicy! Yes. But no, this post is not about that at all.
What is this post about then, Liz?
My focus here is to bring your awareness back to how good sex can be for your marriage.
If you haven’t been having sex, was it because:
- You got pregnant or because?
- You just had a baby, or because?
- You’ve grown children in the house? or because
- Your in-laws live with you?
- You just don’t like your spouse anymore?
Unless there is a medical reason for you to not have sex, think about how sex can be a blessing for your marriage. The effect is just wonderful – apart from a sudden burst of leg cramps, there is nothing wrong with it. Please point me to any reason, if you think there is and I will add that in here for expanding my reader’s awareness.
Having said that, let us first talk about how not having sex affects your spouse. I’m saying, spouse because it is not just men who think about sex every day. Women have urges too and they are just as equal, if not more.
Un-met Urges: how not having sex affects your spouse.
Do you know how your partner feels when they approach you, but you say,
“Not today, babe. I have a headache” or “I’m so tired” or do you –
- Stick your face in your smart phone or
- Get busy with the children or
- Whatever holds your attention?
It’s rejection. That’s what the spouse feels. Total rejection.
If you have asked someone out on a date when you were a teen, and when they said no, do you remember how your heart broke then? Yeah, it’s much the same, except it hurts much more now.
It is not like spouses have many choices as the single or unmarried folks. They only have you. In their state of total vulnerability, they admit being aroused. Your partner comes to you for a release or more intimacy and you reject them.
It’s a heart-wrenching situation. To lay on your bed looking up at the blank ceiling while your partner turns away and goes to sleep.
This vulnerability that was there before quickly turns into anger. Then it builds up into inner resentment. At times building up slowly, but most times the change is instant.
When the rejection goes on for a long time, you may start looking on the outside to get your urges met. Some get into pornography, others into illegitimate relationships outside of marriage. Most suffer by themselves. A lonely, unhappy soul.
But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself. ~Proverbs 6:32
An unhappy soul is the worst kind. These repressed feelings of resentment can come out in unhealthy ways. It could come out like:
- Pick fights with your spouse,
- Getting angry with your neighbor at the slightest instance,
- Your boss or work starts to frustrate you,
- Your children frustrate you.
- You stop finding joy in life.
You are totally stressed out, and that stress comes out unexpectedly. That’s when you wonder, where did all that come from?
Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control ~1 Corinthians 7:5
Benefits of Regular sexy-time with your Spouse 🙂
When you are sex-deprived, it shows. Everyone can sense that you are tense. Did you plan to put off sex tonight? Here are some scientifically valid reasons why you should get busy today and on a regular basis as well:
- Regular menstruation cycle.
- Detoxify your body.
- Reduce the cortisol levels, reducing your total stress levels and giving you better sleep!
- Instant anti-aging treatment – that’s the afterglow!
- Boost healthy hormones like DHEA, repairing skin tissues.
- Boost your immunity 20%, each time.
- Helps cure a migraine; an effective painkiller – for headaches, body aches, cramps!
- Increase testosterone levels in men, and that protects their heart.
- Increase oxytocin levels – the happy hormone that enhances your social skills, your intuition.
Most importantly, sex is a bridge that connects both partners on many, many levels. As the oxytocin levels create emotional feelings such as warmth and feelings of nurturing.
- You have more passion for each other.
- You are nicer to each other and other people.
Keeping your body healthy is important. In marriage, creating and living a happy married life every day is hard work. When you are healthy, it is an added boost to the equation.
After marriage and coming closer to God, I realized the deeper connection of sex. Intimacy with your partner, or harnessing your relationship with each other is one thing. Sex also brought me so much closer to God!
Wa wa wait … Why bring God in the middle of all this Sex talk?
Because God is not looking away when you are intimate with your partner. God made us and our bodies. He has given us the gift of intercourse so we can not only enjoy it but also be healthy as a consequence as well.
God blessed them; and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” ~Genesis 1:28
You can argue and say:
“How can I have sex with my spouse when I have no feelings for him or her? We just fight all the time, or he never compliments me, or she always so angry.”
I have been there. I am married and I have seen all those stages and learning every day too. Right now, my marriage is in the happiest place and I wanted to share our secret.
I want to bring your awareness back to how God intended it to be.
In marriage, we commit to each other for the better or the worse. So when it comes to meeting your partner’s needs, you just have to swallow your pride and like Nike says:
“Just Do It.”
Your body is all you have. You need to give that away to your spouse, willingly. Just like you may donate old clothes or lend money without expecting anything in return. Just give your body and mind away to your partner when they need you.
What can we learn about “giving what we have” from this?
In Acts 3, a lame beggar sitting outside the temple begs to Peter, Peter said, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I do have, I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.”
By giving willingly and selflessly, you perform a higher level of service to your partner.
Allow me to break it down for you.
For the Gentlemen
I understand there is a lot of media hype of how a typical “hot” body of a woman should look like. I also know, that you know, most of these pictures are photoshopped. HOT women don’t wake up looking like that. Makeup, plastic surgery, spending 5 hours in the gym helps.
So having that kind of expectation from your wives? The wife who work hard to keep the house clean, keep your children fed and alive during the day. Or those who work a 9-10 hour shifts? This is not a realistic expectation at all. Of course, there are women blessed with baby-butt skin or do-me-everyday kind of bodies. Good on ya mate! if you have a HOT wife like that!
Having sex with a spouse only because they look good on the outside may last just a few years. Until we all start getting older and wrinkle-ier. Then what?
Once you remove that veil from your eyes.
- Start looking at your wife in a different light.
- Look at you wife in a more sensitive way.
- Always looking for her good side, you will find plenty to be aroused by, every single day.
You need sex. So develop your character by showing more sensitivity or empathy towards your wife. Compliment her for even the simple things. Let her know that you care and she will be more than willing to take part in meeting your physical needs.
That’s the kind of spiritual development you will be in, when you start loving your spouse for who they are, and not what they look like.
The man who finds a wife finds a treasure And obtains favor from the LORD ~Proverbs 18:22
For the Ladies
You may feel that he is not the same after marriage; he doesn’t bring you flowers or compliments you anymore. Well, men change after marriage; they get comfortable. Accept it.
Do you often get turned off by your husband, thinking about:
- how less he earns? or
- how he drives the car? or
- how he does not help you with the kids or the house?
Well, there is always something else that you can be grateful for him. It all starts with being grateful. Thankful for the kind of partner God has given you.
So remove that veil. When you look at your husband in that light, be thankful for his existence. That’s when you will always be ready for him when he approaches you or you go to him yourself when you need him.
Besides, when he looks at you, without his veil, what he wants to see is your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s eyes. (1 Peter 3:3-4)
You need to connect with your partner emotionally. So develop your character by being enthusiastic and willing for your partner. He will be more than willing to take part in meeting your emotional needs.
Spiritual Development through Sex
When you are at the service of your partner in a selfless way, you are developing character. You are following what God intended marriage to be. A selfless service to another, hour after hour, day after day. The more passion you have for each other, the more passionate you’ll be for other things as well.
When you get more intimate with your partner, priorities change. You bump your spouses up before children or work. You start caring for each other more. How great is THAT for a happily-ever-after marriage?
Your sex drive only increases with having more sex, so don’t be afraid that you’ll run out of passion. Of course, there are times when you need to stay away from each other. Decide the time and then reunite. A healthy life is saying yes and no, so make sure you balance that right in your sex lives as well!
Hope this post encourages you to meet your partner’s needs – be it physical or emotional.
Let me know what has helped you balance your sex life? Don’t be shy, we’re all grown-ups here, right? RIGHT!
A renowned marriage counseling specialist, Michele Weiner-Davis, helps you know the naked truth of what rejection feels like in a sex-starved marriage.